95 Dirty Jokes That Will Have You Blushing

Are you ready for some naughty humor that will make you blush? Look no further as we’ve compiled a list of the dirtiest jokes that are sure to tickle your funny bone. These dirty jokes are not for the faint of heart, but if you’re up for a good laugh and don’t mind a bit of raunchiness, then you’re in the right place. There’s nothing like a dirty joke to spice up a gathering or give your partner a laugh. 

From cheeky one liners to hilarious anecdotes, we’ve got it all. So sit back, relax, and get ready to giggle at these dirty jokes that are sure to leave you red-faced and gasping for air. But be warned, these jokes are not suitable for all audiences, so if you’re easily offended, you might want to skip this one. With that being said, let’s dive in and have a good laugh at these dirty jokes that are guaranteed to make you blush!

95 Dirty Jokes That Will Have You Blushing

1. A young man goes to see his doctor and the doctor tells him, “You need to stop masturbating?” “Why?” the man asks.

“Because I’m trying to examine you.”

2. What do a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

3. I’ll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive.

My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

4. What does an 80-year-old woman taste like?

Depends.

5. They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

6. Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a little frog stuck in her throat.

7. Child: “Mom, how do you spell scrotum?

Mom: “Honey, you should have asked me last night when it was on the tip of my tongue.” 

8. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?

“I want you inside me.”

9. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

10. What is the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

11. Who’s the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

12. My penis was in the Guinness Book of Records.

Then the librarian told me to take it out. 

13. What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

14. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

15. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

16. What is the difference between your job and your wife?

Your job still sucks after five years. 

17. Why do walruses love a Tupperware party?

They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

18. How is life like a penis?

Your girlfriend makes it hard.

19. What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?

They both get close enough to smell the goods, but if they eat it they’ll be in trouble.

20. “Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled. “I’m so wet, give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

21. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

22. How do you embarrass a male archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

23. What gets longer when pulled, inserts in a hole, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

24. “I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time,” a husband says to his wife.

She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, “Your penis is bigger than your brother’s.”

25. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?

The man.

26. A naked man broke into a church.

The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

27. What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

Both have a wet noses.

28. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

29. What is the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather and perverted is when you use the whole bird.

30. A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says, “I hope the porn is disabled.”

The guy at the desk replies, “It’s just regular porn you sick fuck.”

31. How do you circumcise a Lannister?

Kick his sister in the jaw. 

32. Why is there no toilet paper at KFC?

Because it’s finger licken’ good!

33. A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, “Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?”

The boyfriend says, “Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.”

34. How does a woman scare their gynecologist?

By becoming a ventriloquist.

35. What is the difference between purple and pink?

The grip.

36. How do you make a pool table laugh?

Tickle its balls.

37. What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her.

38. How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

39. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

“Why are you shaking? She’s going to eat me!”

40. Why does Santa Claus always come through the chimney?

Because he knows better than to try the back door.

41. What do Lifesaver candies do that men cannot?

Come in five different flavors.

42. Where is Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out?

Wendy’s. 

43. Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

44. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged. 

45. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year. 

46. What is green and smells like pork?

Kermit’s finger.

47. Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

48. What do you get when you cross human DNA with goat DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

49. An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.” “You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied.

“Now you have to remove them.”

50. What is the difference between a used tire and 365 used condoms?

One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.

51. Why does a mermaid wear seashells?

Because she outgrew her B-shells.

52. What is the difference between being hungry and being horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

53. Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?

No one. They both eat out.

54. What is the difference between a dick and a bonus check?

Someone is always down to blow your bonus.

55. Is “buttcheeks” all one word?

Or should I spread them apart?

56. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?

Gum.

57. Why was the guitar teacher arrested? 

For fingering a minor. 

58. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?

A cherry float.

59. How do you get Bob from Robert? How do you get Bill from William? How do you get Dick from Richard?

You ask him nicely.

60. A family’s driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed and trying to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry, dear. That was just an insect.”

“Wow,” the boy replies. “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!”

61. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

62. Who can make more money in a week; a prostitute or a drug dealer? 

A prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack. 

63. My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude.

I personally am on the fence.

64. How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

65. What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in. 

66. “I’d rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth,” the woman told her dentist.

He replied, “Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair.”

67. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin’ off.

68. Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Ken came in a different box.

69. What did the penis say to the vagina?

Don’t make me come in there!

70. Little Johnny was in bible study one morning. Sally was sleeping in front of johnny. The teacher asks Sally who our Lord and savior was. Little Johnny pokes her in the ass with a pin and she yells “Jesus Christ!” And falls back to sleep. A little while later the teacher asks Sally who created our world. Johnny poked her in the ass again with a pin and she screams “my god!” And falls back to sleep. Later the teacher asks Sally what Eve said to Adam after they had their fourth child.

Johnny pokes her in the ass with the pin again and Sally screams “if you stick that thing in me one more time I’m gonna break it!” The teacher faints.

71. What is long, hard, and full of seamen?

A submarine.

72. I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!” I said, “Wow!”

Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”

73. What did the leper say to the sex worker?

“Keep the tip.”

74. A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it’ll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn’t the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.”

“No,” the penguin insists, “it’s just ice cream.”

75. What are the three shortest words in the English language?

“Is it in?”

76. Did you get those yoga pants on sale?

Because at my house they are 100% off. 

77. Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.” Kid 2: “Yeah, I was a virgin until last night .” Kid 1: “As if.” Kid 2: “Yeah, just ask your sister.” Kid 1: “I don’t have a sister.”

Kid 2: “You will in about nine months.”

78. What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

79. A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”

The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”

80. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?

A tearjerker.

81. Why did the squirrel swim on its back?

To keep its nuts dry.

82. What does the receptionist say as you leave the sperm bank?

“Thank you for coming!”

83. Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back.

I replied, “Yes, who did you think it was?”

84. What comes after 69?

Mouthwash.

85. I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around.”

86. What does Pinocchio’s lover say to him?

“Lie to me! Lie to me!”

87. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

Because they won’t stop to ask for directions.

88. What is the process of applying for a job at Hooters?

They just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”

89. Why do women talk so much and why do guys think so much?

Because one has two lips and one has two heads.

90. What is the best thing about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

91. Why do women prefer an old gynecologist over a new one?

Because the old one has shaky hands.

92. What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion?

“It’s not what it looks like.”

93. A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, arguing about which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face.

She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

94. What do a boyfriend and a spider have in common?

Women always exaggerate how big it is.

95. After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, “I had sex with my teacher.” She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done.

As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son’s room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, “I had sex with my teacher.” The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home.

His son responds, “No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts.”